“Let Them”: How Letting Go Can Strengthen Relationships

In relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or familial,  control often becomes a silent struggle. We want our loved ones to act a certain way, make specific choices, and prioritize us in particular ways. When they don’t, the resulting frustration, disappointment, and heartbreak can be overwhelming.

This is where Mel Robbins “Let Them” theory offers a refreshing perspective. Rather than resisting others’ action or choices, Robbins suggests a simple yet profound shift: Let Them. In therapy, this approach can empower clients to navigate relationships with greater peace and emotional freedom. Evergreen Therpaeutics explores how the “Let Them” theory works, why we resist letting go of control, and how therapists can help clients apply this concept to foster healthier relationships and improved mental health.

What is the “Let Them” Theory?

Mel Robbins, a best-selling author and motivational speaker, introduced the “Let Them” theory to encourage acceptance over control. The premise is straightforward:

• If someone doesn’t invite you, let them
• If someone isn’t treating you the way you want, let them
• If someone makes choices you don’t agree with, let them

This isn’t about apathy or passivity; it’s about acknowledging what you can and cannot control. By letting others be, you free yourself from the emotional turmoil of unmet expectations. Robbins emphasizes that letting them isn’t about sacrificing your boundaries – it’s about releasing the burden of trying to manage others’ behaviours to preserve your peace of mind (Robbins, 2023).

Why Do We Struggle to “Let Them”?

Clients often grapple with this concept in therapy because of underlying emotional needs and fears, including:

• Fear of rejection or abandonment: We believe that controlling others will keep relationships intact
• Need for Validation: External approval can feel like proof of our worth
• Fear of Uncertainty: Others’ unpredictable actions can make us feel vulnerable

These feelings are natural, but resisting them often causes more harm. Therapy helps clients explore these underlying fears and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Many individuals struggle with the notion that if they let people act freely, they might lose those relationships. This fear often stems from past experiences of neglect, betrayal, or conditional acceptace, which therapy can help process and heal.

How the “Let Them” Theory Enhances Therapy:

Integrating the “Let Them” theory into therapy sessions provides clients with a practical and emotionally liberating tool. Here’s how it complements various therapeutic approaches:

1. Healthier Boundaries and Codependency Recovery:

In codependent relationships, clients often take responsibility for others’ emotions and decisions. The “Let Them” approach aligns with boundary work in therapy, helping clients differentiate between supporting someone and controlling them (Beattie, 1986).

Therapist Insight: Clients who embrace this mindset often feel liberated, no longer exhausting themselves trying to manage others’ feelings. This shift can significantly reduce anxiety and resentment, leading to more balanced and respectful relationships.

2. Radical Acceptance (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy – DBT):

DBT encourages radical acceptance – fully acknowledging reality without resistance (Lineman, 2015).  “Let Them” embodies this principle, allowing clients to accept others’ choices while focusing on their emotional well-being. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean agreeing with the behaviour but rather accepting that resisting reality only prolongs suffering. For example, if a loved one consistently cancels plans, letting them can free clients from the exhausting cycle of anger and disappointment.

3. Cognitive Reframing (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – CBT):

CBT teaches clients to challenge unhelpful thoughts. Instead of “They should have invited me”, clients can reframe to “They didn’t invite me, and that’s okay. I can spend my time with people who value me” (Tawwab, 2021). Reframing helps clients redirect their focus from what others are doing to how they can best support themselves.

Example in Therapy: A client upset about a friend not returning texts might initially think, “They don’t care about me”. Through CBT techniques, they might refer to, “They might be busy, and I can use this time to do something I enjoy.”

4. Strengthening Self-Worth:

Therapy helps clients realize their worth isn’t dependent on others’ approval. Letting people be, without internalizing their choices, cultivates inner confidence. Clients often discover that by letting go of the need to control others, they reclaim time and energy to invest in themselves.

Implementing the “Let Them” mindset:

• Pause Before Reacting: Encourage clients to take a break and ask, “Is this something I can control?” If not, let them. This simple pause can prevent impulsive reactions driven by emotion
• Redirect Energy: Suggest clients focus on hobbies, self-care, or nurturing supportive relationships. By shifting attention away from controlling others, clients can rediscover their passions and strengths
• Communicate Clearly: Letting someone be doesn’t mean suppressing needs. Clients can express feelings respectfully and accept the response without attachment to the outcome. For example, “I value our time together, and I feel hurt when plans are canceled. I understand you have your reasons, and I’ll take care of myself regardless.”
• Celebrate Emotional Freedom: Clients often report feeling “lighter” when they stop trying to control others. Therapists can encourage clients to journal these moments or share them in sessions to reinforce positive change.

When “Let Them” Isn’t Enough:

While powerful, this theory isn’t a solution for every situation. If someone’s actions consistently harm or violate boundaries, therapy can guide clients in setting firm limits or stepping away (Brown, 2010). Letting someone repeatedly disrespect or hurt you isn’t self-care – it’s neglecting your boundaries. Therapists can help clients differentiate between acceptance and tolerating harmful behaviour.

Red Flags to Watch For:

• Persistent disrespect or manipulation
• Emotional or physical abuse
• Repeated boundary violations despite clear communication

In these cases, “let them” should be paired with decisive boundary-setting or ending the relationship.

Final Thoughts:

Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” theory isn’t about giving up on relationships; it’s about freeing yourself from the exhausting cycle of control and unmet expectations. Therapy provides a safe space to explore when to let them and when to take action, fostering healthier, more fulfilling connections. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care – it means you care enough about yourself to protect your peace.

Ready to transform your relationships and embrace emotional freedom? Our Evergreen Therapeutics team of therapists are here to support you. Schedule an appointment today! Embrace the freedom of letting go – and discover how therapy can help you find peace amidst the chaos of human relationships.

References:

Beattie, M. (1986). Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.Hazelden Publishing.

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press.

Robbins, M. (2023). The High 5 Habit: Take Control of Your Life with One Simple Habit.Hay House Inc.

Robbins, M. (2023, March 15). The “Let Them” Theory [Podcast episode]. The Mel Robbins Podcast. Retrieved from https://www.melrobbins.com

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee.