How to Break off an Emotional and/or Physical Affair

Affairs, whether emotional or physical, can deeply disrupt relationships and leave individuals feeling conflicted, guilty or lost. If you’ve found yourself in an affair and are ready to end it for the sake of your relationship or personal well-being, it’s essential to approach the process with care, honesty and a clear plan. Breaking off an affair is not just about severing ties with a person, but also about healing the emotional damage and rebuilding trust in yourself and, if applicable, your primary relationship. Evergreen Therapeutics takes a deeper look at a comprehensive guide on how to break off an emotional or physical affair.

1. Acknowledge and Responsibility

The first step in breaking off an affair is to take responsibility for your actions. Affairs often arise from unmet emotional needs or dissatisfaction in a relationship, but that doesn’t excuse the behaviour. It’s important to recognize that an affair—whether emotional or physical—often involves betrayal, and breaking it off requires genuine accountability.

Why it matters: Acknowledging your actions honestly, both to yourself and to the person you’re involved with, is the first step in healing. According to Dr. Shirley Glass, a psychologist and expert on infidelity, couples who address the underlying issues of infidelity and work through the betrayal tend to have higher chances of recovery (Glass, 2003).

2. Have an Honest Conversation with Your Affair Partner

Once you’ve made the decision to end the affair, it’s crucial to have a direct, honest conversation with the person you’re involved with. This may feel difficult, but it’s necessary for both closure and emotional honesty. In this conversation, clearly state that you are ending the relationship, explain your reasons if you feel it’s appropriate, and set boundaries moving forward.

Why it matters: Clear communication and boundary-setting are vital in preventing confusion or lingering attachments. Research indicates that avoidance or ambiguity in ending an affair can lead to prolonged emotional distress for all parties involved (Pittman, 2013).

3. End All Communication and Set Boundaries

One of the most challenging aspects of breaking off an affair is cutting off communication. Whether the affair was emotional or physical, continued contact can create confusion and prevent emotional healing.

This means ending not just the physical aspect of the affair, but also the emotional connection. Stop texting, calling, or meeting in person. This may require you to block the person on social media or change your contact information if necessary.

Why it matters: Research in psychology emphasizes that continued contact with an affair partner can trigger ongoing emotional attachment, making it harder to move on and repair your primary relationship (Miller, 2015).

One of the most challenging aspects of breaking off an affair is cutting off communication. Whether the affair was emotional or physical, continued contact can create confusion and prevent emotional healing.

This means ending not just the physical aspect of the affair, but also the emotional connection. Stop texting, calling, or meeting in person. This may require you to block the person on social media or change your contact information if necessary.

Why it matters: Research in psychology emphasizes that continued contact with an affair partner can trigger ongoing emotional attachment, making it harder to move on and repair your primary relationship (Miller, 2015).

4. Reflect on Reasons Behind the Affair

Understanding the reasons why the affair occurred is essential for personal growth and preventing future mistakes. Did it happen due to unmet emotional needs, lack of communication, or an attempt to escape relationship dissatisfaction? Reflecting on these reasons can help you gain insights into your behaviour and motivate positive change.

Why it matters: As Dr. Sue Johnson, a leader in emotionally focused therapy, points out, understanding the emotional needs that went unmet in a relationship is crucial for healing and creating stronger emotional bonds in the future (Johnson, 2019). If you’re in a committed relationship, this insight can help you address any issues and improve communication with your partner.

5. Confess to Your Primary Partner (if applicable)

If you are in a committed relationship and have had an affair, eventually you will need to confess to your primary partner. This is perhaps the most difficult step, but it’s essential for rebuilding trust in your relationship. Be prepared for a range of emotions—hurt, anger, disappointment, and betrayal are all possible reactions.

Be honest, but also be sensitive to your partner’s emotional state. Acknowledge the pain your actions may cause and be ready to provide reassurance, though it may take time for your partner to process the information.

Why it matters: According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, rebuilding trust after infidelity is a long and complicated process that requires transparency, accountability, and patience (Perel, 2007). Be prepared for your partner to need time and space to work through their emotions.

6. Seek Professional Support (Therapy)

Breaking off an affair and dealing with the aftermath—whether that means rebuilding a relationship or working through personal issues—is an emotional journey. Therapy can be an invaluable resource during this process. Couples therapy can help address any underlying issues in your primary relationship, while individual therapy can provide the support you need to explore the personal factors that led to the affair.

Why it matters: Therapy can facilitate healing, understanding, and forgiveness. Studies show that couples who attend therapy after an affair often experience greater satisfaction in their relationships and are better equipped to handle future challenges (Whisman, 2007).

7. Give Yourself Time to Heal

Breaking off an affair and navigating its consequences is emotionally taxing. It’s important to allow yourself time to reflect, process, and heal. Don’t rush the process or feel pressured to “move on” quickly. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise and take steps toward emotional well-being.

Why it matters: Healing takes time. According to Dr. Jennifer G. Berman, a urologist and relationship expert, taking the time to emotionally and psychologically distance yourself from the affair allows for the potential of true healing and moving forward in a healthy manner (Berman, 2014).

8. Rebuild Trust and Strengthen Your Relationship (if applicable)

If you are committed to staying in your primary relationship, rebuilding trust will take time and effort. Trust can be rebuilt through consistent, honest communication, showing vulnerability, and working together to address the emotional needs that may have been unmet in the relationship.

Why it matters: Rebuilding trust is crucial to the healing process. Research by Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, shows that the ability to rebuild trust after betrayal depends on the couple’s ability to engage in open, non-defensive communication and demonstrate mutual respect (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Conclusion

Ending an affair—whether emotional or physical—is a difficult and often painful process, but it is a critical step toward healing, both for yourself and for any relationships involved. By acknowledging your actions, communicating honestly, and seeking therapy, you can begin to work through the emotional fallout and rebuild trust, either within your primary relationship or in your personal life.

Remember that healing takes time, and support is available. Therapy can provide the space to understand the root causes of your affair, make amends, and learn healthier relationship patterns moving forward.

References

Berman, J. G. (2014). The Berman Guide to Finding the Right Relationship. New York: St. Martin’s Press.

Glass, S. P. (2003). Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. New York: Free Press.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown Publishers.

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little, Brown and Company.

Miller, R. B. (2015). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications.

Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York: HarperCollins.

Pittman, F. (2013). Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy. New York: Norton & Company.

Whisman, M. A. (2007). “The impact of infidelity on couples’ psychological and relational functioning: A review of the literature,” Journal of Family Psychology, 21(3), 379-392.